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The Poop Diaries..Chapter One

I'm sure I'm not alone in saying that changing the cat's litter box is one of the most hated and disgusting parts of being a cat owner! Because of that, I don't change it as often as I should and I wound up having a full litter box to change. I decided instead of scooping out shit for eternity I would just dump the whole thing into a trash bag! We keep the box in our closet because I hate having it in plain site but the downside to hiding it is that it's in tight quarters and not so easy to maneuver around.

So I got it all dumped into the bag and it was pretty heavy so I was carrying it a little to my side when it got caught on a hanger on the bottom corner of the bag......OH NO!!! the litter started falling out and I attempted to pull the bottom of the bag up to my chest to save it from falling out....when I did that all the of the sudden the entire bottom of the bag gave out and all the cat shit and piss clumps and litter went everywhere!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I had poop inside my bra and the worst of all was that the majority of it fell into my makeup box!! I just sat on the floor and gave up....how will I ever get all this cleaned up?? How can I get it out of all my makeup brushes and lipsticks...some of my lipsticks don't have lids because I lost them somehow over time.

If you see me soon....it is very possible that I am wearing cat shit on my face.
So this was really my first day to venture out on my own away from the comfort torture of being on bed rest for over a week. I don't ever make coffee right at home...even with the Keurig machine. I don't like Starbucks coffee too much either but what I DO like is a nice hot cup of joe from any old gas station on the corner. What can I say...my upbringing gave me a taste for the finer things in life. 

Anyway, so I was craving said gas station coffee and had to go to a few appointments this morning so I hopped in the car and away I went. I decided to be fancy and ride in style by driving the Saturn Vue instead of my precious little white car that has about every warning light you can imagine staring me in the face every time I start it up...but hey at least it started right? (most of the time.) I got my coffee and all was right with the world again.

Fast Forward to the afternoon....by this time I had ran all over creation to this appointment and that appointment and fought off a crazy pool pump and made it home in one piece! Bryan wanted his car back (I really can't imagine why he doesn't like to drive my car...it has greatly improved my prayer life~"Oh Lord, if you can just let me not stall out when the light turns green and I am the head of a rush hour traffic line armed with stressed out workers just wanting to get home so they can hit the bottle" you know, your standard prayer.) So he hit the road to work and I hopped in my car and puttered down the street.

One more side note and I promise I will get to the point. As Bryan was slipping into his awesome ride (can you detect the sarcasm cuz I'm laying it on pretty thick) he said "ummmm are you going to the new house again today?" I replied "ya in a bit, you need anything?" his response "Can you just go ahead and run through a car wash before you go over there? I don't want the neighbors to see your car." ummmm ya I'm pretty sure a $5 car wash, hell even a $100 car wash could not disguise the shit mobile that is my car. RUDE.

Okay, I'm back....so When I got to my branch to send in some paperwork for all this sick leave stuff I took my gas station coffee cup in because I actually do like the coffee at our branch as well...it was a coffee all day kind of day! I even pointed it out to everyone "hey look I brought my own coffee cup so I can get extra coffee to take with me!" I got very distracted with everything that I have been missing while being on bed rest and plum forgot to refill my coffee....then I forgot that I hadn't poured any fresh coffee because the cup felt kind of full so I took a big strong GULP and instantly tasted what I can imagine hell would taste like if hell had a flavor. I spit it out in the nearest trash can faster than you can say rotten coffee and opened the lid. Then it hit me....my coffee cup from this morning was still in Bryan's car.....wait that means this coffee has been sitting in the blistering sun hot car for over 10 days (I've been on bed rest for an eternity) and let's just say I like my cream with a little coffee so it was a lot of curdled dairy. But even that I can live with and recover from....the kicker? TWO EFFING CIGARETTE BUTTS FLOATING RIGHT THERE IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THAT WHOLESOME DAIRY. I hate to flick it out of the window....note to self: wildfires are fine..littering is awesome..drinking your cigarettes is not fine or awesome.

If this doesn't make me quit smoking all hope is lost.

Sex should NEVER involve the cat.......

There are things that happen in life that leave you traumatized and curled up in a ball in the corner in need of a drink and a straight jacket.....this is one of those events. 

A while back the hubby and I decided to get a little love makin in so we hopped in the sack and started  in on the fun. I've never been a fan of having pets around during our alone time but they usually don't stick around for the show long anyway so we never thought too much about it. So, we are getting into it and the hubby starts looking a little giggly and I'm like oooookkkkk?? Something was tickling his ass whilst he was giving me the ole heave ho and as soon as he realized my hands were no where near his butt he turns his head back and in horror realized the cat had decided to come in for a closer view and is now sniffing his ass and giving him whisker kisses.......we both screamed bloody murder......needless to say sexy time was OVER and the cat has been banished from bedroom time.

Note to self...hubby like his ass tickled..but not by the cat. 
I decided a couple of weeks ago to do something insane special for Bryan's birthday and get a Brazilian Bikini Wax for the first time. After nearly getting hit by a car and running around in circles I finally found the waxing bar and with what little bit of nerves I had left, mustered up the strength to go inside! As soon as I got in the ladies were very nice and welcoming and kindly suggested that I was welcome to use the restroom before they ripped the hairs off of my vagina. I thought..."Good, I can go make sure I am nice and fresh down there!" I went into the restroom and sat down to pee and it hit me....the sudden uncontrollable urge to take a dump. OH NO...please no..my mind starts racing thinking "What's worse pooping before the wax or after...How thorough will she be?..Will she know I have a prairie dog waiting to rear his ugly head?" I finally convinced myself that pooping before was definitely the better choice as a Brazilian includes butt hair too. As I am finishing up it then hit me that what if I am not as thorough as I need to be and don't wipe every single last bit off shit off my ass and she gets poopy waxing papers....I WOULD BE MORTIFIED!! So I went over and got some paper towels and soap and started feverishly cleaning my butthole. As I go to toss the evidence in the toilet I see a HUGE sign over the toilet saying in all bold caps "DO NOT THROW PAPER TOWELS IN THE TOILET...IT WILL OVERFLOW"....omg omg....the clock is ticking and I have been in there a good 5 minutes with all these horrifying decisions and cleaning and pooping and I know they are sitting outside thinking..."what is taking this lady so long...she didn't even have to use the restroom until we suggested it...what could she possibly be doing in there???" Now I am in full panic mode knowing that I have been in there too long and what do I do with these poopy paper towels...if I toss them in the toilet and say a prayer there is a good chance my shit and all paper towels will be all over the bathroom floor in a matter of seconds and how do I explain that...on the other hand if I toss it in the trash can then they will KNOW it was me who threw my poopy towels in the trashcan and how do I live with myself being "that" weirdo. I realized I had no other choice but to do the unthinkable.....I threw them in the bottom of my pretty pink purse...zipped it up....and walked out as if I was NOT walking around with shit paper towels in my handbag.

Needless to say, as soon as I was done I found the closest gas station...tossed the evidence and blew outta of there as quickly as my little white car would take me.

I think I need a drink.

test test test

One..two..three!

This will work

Herrrroooooo world! Can you see this? If so I do believe I will use this as my new blogging site. I have had this thing for years and met the love of my life on here. Oh LiveJournal, how I adore thee.

Medical post

For some reason my iPad won't let me type this in rich text....oh technology....always and forever.

been a while

I missed you LJ

wow

I can't believe it has almost been a year since I have updated this thing! Is anyone still out there?

jumbled thoughts

Some things I feel I will never be able to properly express or capture in writing or words....but writing things down seems to help me in some ways so just think of this as my therapy entry.

I watched this documentary tonight about Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes on VH1. I actually wasn't interested in it at all but decided to put it on for a few minutes while there were commercials on the other channel. I guess I am a sucker for documentaries because I wound up watching it instead of what I was originally watching. I found it very interesting that she decided to film herself in Honduras when she had so many millions of dollars that she could spend on a lavish lifestyle here. Something was very noble about the whole thing but at the same time I couldn't figure out from her videos what she was trying to accomplish. One thing stood out to me about her that I felt a deep connection with.....she had premonitions about things that weren't necessarily pleasant. The narrative text mentioned that she had a dark spirit following her around days before her death. She also had dreams that foretold her near end and she talked about that on the video. When they were riding in a car she was saying that she felt like the car was going down a hill and that it was going to hit something and the brakes would not help....then they hit a little boy and killed him. She felt that the spirit that was following her got him instead.

I think the point that hit me the hardest and something that I pretty much have known for a long time is that no matter what you do to prevent what you feel will happen.....it will happen. There is nothing that you can do about it but prepare for it and embrace the path that life has paved for you. I cried and cried watching her tonight because I felt like I was looking into my own eyes and seeing the fear, passion, pain, and love that she lived with. It is a very very heavy burden to carry knowing that there are things that you can see and feel that you can't stop. My heart is in mourning for so many things and people in life...I have to find a better way to cope.